Monday, August 10, 2009

Guys Lies

Have you ever noticed that when you lie it tends to be about the smallest stupidest stuff and it's usually to your girlfriend or boyfriend? No honey, I can't do that thing with your family, I have to um, my car, the uh trans-carborator needs to be realigned. Yeah the engine's liable to just fucking blow up in my face if it's not fixed. Oh no you can't pick me up... Cuz uh.. you know, cuz I have to stay with it overnight because you know those car mechanics they're always trying to rob you when you're not looking. Yeah this place is open 24 hours a day, isn't that cool! Because you never know when your car's gonna break down, ya know. Oh no you shouldn't go there though, they uh, it's a uh, they're Middle Eastern and they don't like when woman don't have Burkas on. Well you know some of those Islamic extremists! And as a man I can attest to the fact that we're terrible at it! Do we need more training or should we just stop lying already? I vote for training. First of all don't just jump right into that lie, you gotta buy yourself some time. A friend of mine had a good strategy for this. He would bring his bluetooth headset in on the con and then pretend someone called him when he was put on the spot. Then while pretending to talk he would iron out all the loopholes in his lie. Saves you some serious bullshitting if you can think that shit through before the performance! Another great strategy is to suddenly pretend your having really bad heartburn, then mention pain in your left arm and ask he/she if that's a bad sign and maybe he/she should look it up on the internet. Or just fake a sudden onset of Tourette's syndrome and start having a bunch of nervous ticks and shout profanity. Actually no, that one is probably no good. And in conclusion there's always the option of giving them a really great complement followed by a really long kiss, or even better some oral, nobody will ever stop you from doing that, EVER. You'll have plenty of time to think it through and even plan your next lie ahead of time. Well, until your jaw gets a cramp.

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