Gay Writers Block

Damn writing a blog is some seriously challenging shit yo! I'm out of ideas so this is mostly filler. I hate when I can't think of anything to say, but that's usually when I'm lying about something or I mixed the wrong pills. Oh yeah, hey I'm thinking about making a sock puppet. Because I thought it would be cool to bring it out when I talk to myself. You know just so the other voice in my head has a mouth of it's own. But I'm not sure about the haircut to give it. Now obviously a bob is the first thing that comes to mind but it's a little cliche. So that leads me the the conclusion that people are dumb and I wanna kill them all. No wait, a mohawk.

Sleep Doodle

So everybody has their own idiosyncra... syncran... idio... Look I'm not an English major, everybody has some fucked up shit they do. You've all heard of sleep walking, well I in fact… do not sleep walk. I sleep "draw". Which means I wake up in a veritable sea of little torn out magazine pieces with all manner of weirdness emblazoned on them. I sift through them in dramatic puzzlement, "a man with two dicks for a nose". Another is a rendition of a vagina, no wait it's a hamburger, no… It's a vagina hamburger. This one appears to be a kitten wearing little leather chaps and smoking a joint. I don't know where it comes from, I think it has something to do with my devastating beauty, abundant and open sexuality and disturbing imagination. So one night I decided to put an end to this by removing all the pens and paper products from my night stand. I awoke light headed and nauseous to find the words, "very funny faggot" carved into my right arm. Apparently my subconscious is not only a bigot but also left handed as that is where I was holding the bloody nail filer. I left a Monte Blanc pen and a $50 notepad for him the next night. He left me a note saying, "you're very kind" with a little heart dotting the i. Along with a drawing of an eviscerated cow with a severed arm shoved down it's throat. Awww, that silly Luciano (that's what I named him) he's at it again!

"Computer Person"

We've all heard this bullshit before, "oh I'm not a computer person". What? How, in what way exactly, is this acceptable anymore?! That's like saying, "oh I'm not a job person". Sure I don't want to work but that doesn't mean I have the option to not do it! "Oh I'm not a car person". "Oh I'm not a bathing in water person". And they always say it like it's totally ok, like they're saying that they're not a serial killer, like knowing how to use something that is in a typical persons life about 40% of the day is something that would be just crazy to actually try and figure out. Man up and just fucking learn how to send an email and launch a web browser you stupid cunts! It's 2010 not 1958! How can anyone not know the difference between a file browser and a web browser!!! That's like needing someone to explain to you what a dust mop is for! How did these people figure out how to use a refrigerator! Can you imagine that inner monologue, "so, wait, you take something cold and put it inside and it gets warm?" "No, wait, does it open?" "If I open the door to it will something bad happen, OH I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT!" I'M NOT A REFRIGERATOR PERSON! I need a refrigerator geek to come do this for me. While you're at it why don't you just say "Oh I'm a woman, I only know what my husband tells me to know". Now, woman aren't the only offenders they just happen to represent the largest percentage of offenders and since I'm a gay and can't be confused and distracted by the prospect of having sex with them I can be much more objective and less tolerant of their bullshit. I heard a chick the other day say that she cannot be trusted to try and fix her own computer issues. EVEN WITH A CAREFULLY PRINTED LIST OF INSTRUCTIONS! This is not ok. The idea that she didn't even have a rudimentary idea of what an operating system was, or what backing up meant, or what a computer even looked like (I think she tried typing her password into her purse a few times) is just lazy. I have to admit, I don't really know how to cook, or about cooking in general. I mean, I have pots and forks and stuff but it's not like I'm passionate about it. BUT I CAN MAKE MYSELF A PLATE OF SCRAMBLED EGGS IF I NEED TO! I know what a whisker is for! AND I HATE COOKING! But I bloddy can, if, like, the need were to arise! I wouldn't just say, "oh I can't do that, I need a cooking geek to do it for me". No that's not it, you just don't want to try because you think it's totally acceptable to not want to. Because only "computer geeks" can know how to turn a computer on, a mere mortal surely can't be expected to do more than click on stuff and stare in bewilderment like a one year old looking at an aquarium.

GOD JUST DO IT!!!

Ok, I didn't just realize this recently or anything but working in retail sucks! Seriously is there a worse job in the world than having to.. Ugh, "help people". So I work in a retail job and let me tell you, no one is less cut out to offer customer service than me. Extremely moody people are cut out for great things but unfortunately none of them involve making money. Now if I was helping people to decide to commit suicide I'd be top earner. That's the kind of job I need. I could tell people the truth, like, "oh just do it, have you looked at yourself lately, you're not getting any prettier, it's all downhill from here, nobody loves you and your getting one mad double chin and you don't have any money you don't even have kids to take care of you when you're senile, do you know what they do to you in nursing homes, do it now and there'll still be a moderately attractive corpse for people to bid farewell to." OMG, I just got chills writing that! Damn I wish that was a real job! Fuck! Why can't I make money from something I'm good at?!?!

GeneEva

Hey there fellow old people, grab your walker and get ready to kick it cuz we got something real special for ya. It's called GeneEva. Hey It's gonna make ya feel like you're 80 again. This stuff's got B pollen, moose knuckle extract, more vitamins than I got time to list, cyanide, yeah cyanide. It might kill ya but whatta ya got to lose at this age anyway. Besides the odds are its just gonna help ya build up a resistance to cyanide and if your bastard kids try to kill ya with it you'll really show them who's boss huh. Yeah fuck those kids, in fact this stuff's gonna give you the energy to kill them and get away with it, see if they get an inheritance then cuz they'll be dead and you'll probably outlive them by about 30 years. And go ahead, be as sloppy about the murder as you want cuz what court is gonna convict you, you're 103 years old and in a walker, you can't even find your way out of a grocery store much less plan and implement a murder. Besides you're 103 you're probably gonna die in a few months anyway it wouldn't be worth the hassle. And just let em try putting you under cross examination, you're confused by traffic signals, the only coherent thing they're gonna get out of you is a desire to end the trial real early. GeneEva, it's gonna change your life, don't wait cuz let's face it you're on bonus time at this point. GeneEva, it's gonna give ya back your dirty old man sex drive too. Cuz the world needs a steady flow of sexual predators who else is gonna drink all the iced tea and fuel television shows like To Catch a Predator? Worried about conviction? See above. GeneEva, it's what all the old people are talking about whenever they get their dentures in right and aren't taking a nap. GeneEva, it's made of real pigs feet. GeneEva, It's a convention but that's not the one we're talking about, confused? That's ok it's just cuz you're old just take some GeneEva, it's got just a little bit of Crack Cocaine. GeneEva, get it while you have your grandson around to find it for ya. GeneEva, it's like the fountain of youth got dried out and put in a pill. GeneEva, It'll clean out your colon like a high powered pressure washer. GeneEva, It'll help you remember even more stories to tell everybody about. And who doesn't like old people stories? GeneEva, it won't help you figure out how to send an email but it will help you to not give a shit. GeneEva, now with a triple does of Xanax built right in. GeneEva, it'll make the white of your eyes turn black and nothing says don't fuck with me like black eyeballs. GeneEva, buy one now and get a free cardboard cutout of a talkin' parrot.