Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Gay Writers Block

Damn writing a blog is some seriously challenging shit yo! I'm out of ideas so this is mostly filler. I hate when I can't think of anything to say, but that's usually when I'm lying about something or I mixed the wrong pills. Oh yeah, hey I'm thinking about making a sock puppet. Because I thought it would be cool to bring it out when I talk to myself. You know just so the other voice in my head has a mouth of it's own. But I'm not sure about the haircut to give it. Now obviously a bob is the first thing that comes to mind but it's a little cliche. So that leads me the the conclusion that people are dumb and I wanna kill them all. No wait, a mohawk.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Sleep Doodle

So everybody has their own idiosyncra... syncran... idio... Look I'm not an English major, everybody has some fucked up shit they do. You've all heard of sleep walking, well I in fact… do not sleep walk. I sleep "draw". Which means I wake up in a veritable sea of little torn out magazine pieces with all manner of weirdness emblazoned on them. I sift through them in dramatic puzzlement, "a man with two dicks for a nose". Another is a rendition of a vagina, no wait it's a hamburger, no… It's a vagina hamburger. This one appears to be a kitten wearing little leather chaps and smoking a joint. I don't know where it comes from, I think it has something to do with my devastating beauty, abundant and open sexuality and disturbing imagination. So one night I decided to put an end to this by removing all the pens and paper products from my night stand. I awoke light headed and nauseous to find the words, "very funny faggot" carved into my right arm. Apparently my subconscious is not only a bigot but also left handed as that is where I was holding the bloody nail filer. I left a Monte Blanc pen and a $50 notepad for him the next night. He left me a note saying, "you're very kind" with a little heart dotting the i. Along with a drawing of an eviscerated cow with a severed arm shoved down it's throat. Awww, that silly Luciano (that's what I named him) he's at it again!

Monday, June 28, 2010

"Computer Person"

We've all heard this bullshit before, "oh I'm not a computer person". What? How, in what way exactly, is this acceptable anymore?! That's like saying, "oh I'm not a job person". Sure I don't want to work but that doesn't mean I have the option to not do it! "Oh I'm not a car person". "Oh I'm not a bathing in water person". And they always say it like it's totally ok, like they're saying that they're not a serial killer, like knowing how to use something that is in a typical persons life about 40% of the day is something that would be just crazy to actually try and figure out. Man up and just fucking learn how to send an email and launch a web browser you stupid cunts! It's 2010 not 1958! How can anyone not know the difference between a file browser and a web browser!!! That's like needing someone to explain to you what a dust mop is for! How did these people figure out how to use a refrigerator! Can you imagine that inner monologue, "so, wait, you take something cold and put it inside and it gets warm?" "No, wait, does it open?" "If I open the door to it will something bad happen, OH I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT!" I'M NOT A REFRIGERATOR PERSON! I need a refrigerator geek to come do this for me. While you're at it why don't you just say "Oh I'm a woman, I only know what my husband tells me to know". Now, woman aren't the only offenders they just happen to represent the largest percentage of offenders and since I'm a gay and can't be confused and distracted by the prospect of having sex with them I can be much more objective and less tolerant of their bullshit. I heard a chick the other day say that she cannot be trusted to try and fix her own computer issues. EVEN WITH A CAREFULLY PRINTED LIST OF INSTRUCTIONS! This is not ok. The idea that she didn't even have a rudimentary idea of what an operating system was, or what backing up meant, or what a computer even looked like (I think she tried typing her password into her purse a few times) is just lazy. I have to admit, I don't really know how to cook, or about cooking in general. I mean, I have pots and forks and stuff but it's not like I'm passionate about it. BUT I CAN MAKE MYSELF A PLATE OF SCRAMBLED EGGS IF I NEED TO! I know what a whisker is for! AND I HATE COOKING! But I bloddy can, if, like, the need were to arise! I wouldn't just say, "oh I can't do that, I need a cooking geek to do it for me". No that's not it, you just don't want to try because you think it's totally acceptable to not want to. Because only "computer geeks" can know how to turn a computer on, a mere mortal surely can't be expected to do more than click on stuff and stare in bewilderment like a one year old looking at an aquarium.

Friday, April 23, 2010


Ok, I didn't just realize this recently or anything but working in retail sucks! Seriously is there a worse job in the world than having to.. Ugh, "help people". So I work in a retail job and let me tell you, no one is less cut out to offer customer service than me. Extremely moody people are cut out for great things but unfortunately none of them involve making money. Now if I was helping people to decide to commit suicide I'd be top earner. That's the kind of job I need. I could tell people the truth, like, "oh just do it, have you looked at yourself lately, you're not getting any prettier, it's all downhill from here, nobody loves you and your getting one mad double chin and you don't have any money you don't even have kids to take care of you when you're senile, do you know what they do to you in nursing homes, do it now and there'll still be a moderately attractive corpse for people to bid farewell to." OMG, I just got chills writing that! Damn I wish that was a real job! Fuck! Why can't I make money from something I'm good at?!?!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Hey there fellow old people, grab your walker and get ready to kick it cuz we got something real special for ya. It's called GeneEva. Hey It's gonna make ya feel like you're 80 again. This stuff's got B pollen, moose knuckle extract, more vitamins than I got time to list, cyanide, yeah cyanide. It might kill ya but whatta ya got to lose at this age anyway. Besides the odds are its just gonna help ya build up a resistance to cyanide and if your bastard kids try to kill ya with it you'll really show them who's boss huh. Yeah fuck those kids, in fact this stuff's gonna give you the energy to kill them and get away with it, see if they get an inheritance then cuz they'll be dead and you'll probably outlive them by about 30 years. And go ahead, be as sloppy about the murder as you want cuz what court is gonna convict you, you're 103 years old and in a walker, you can't even find your way out of a grocery store much less plan and implement a murder. Besides you're 103 you're probably gonna die in a few months anyway it wouldn't be worth the hassle. And just let em try putting you under cross examination, you're confused by traffic signals, the only coherent thing they're gonna get out of you is a desire to end the trial real early. GeneEva, it's gonna change your life, don't wait cuz let's face it you're on bonus time at this point. GeneEva, it's gonna give ya back your dirty old man sex drive too. Cuz the world needs a steady flow of sexual predators who else is gonna drink all the iced tea and fuel television shows like To Catch a Predator? Worried about conviction? See above. GeneEva, it's what all the old people are talking about whenever they get their dentures in right and aren't taking a nap. GeneEva, it's made of real pigs feet. GeneEva, It's a convention but that's not the one we're talking about, confused? That's ok it's just cuz you're old just take some GeneEva, it's got just a little bit of Crack Cocaine. GeneEva, get it while you have your grandson around to find it for ya. GeneEva, it's like the fountain of youth got dried out and put in a pill. GeneEva, It'll clean out your colon like a high powered pressure washer. GeneEva, It'll help you remember even more stories to tell everybody about. And who doesn't like old people stories? GeneEva, it won't help you figure out how to send an email but it will help you to not give a shit. GeneEva, now with a triple does of Xanax built right in. GeneEva, it'll make the white of your eyes turn black and nothing says don't fuck with me like black eyeballs. GeneEva, buy one now and get a free cardboard cutout of a talkin' parrot.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Heaven & Hell

So as we all know I am an atheist. No surprises there, as I'm also a gay, a slut, soulless, ruthless, abhorrent (not sure what that means but I'm sure it's me), indolent, delicious, a surprisingly good negotiator and an on/off hustler. So with that said I've now lost track of what the hell I was talking about… OH! Yeah, heaven! And Hell! Being a no nonsense frugal, some would say "savvy" homosexual man, one that is tender yet virile, strong yet with a delicate manner.. OH CHRIST I'm off subject again! Anyway stupid people believe in god/satan/heaven/hell. Why else would you fill in the gaps of the unknown with such crazy ideas. It's like getting really plastered the night before then waking up at home on your floor and thinking that a fairy flew in and swooped you out of that sleazy dive bar and dropped you off at home, then flew back and drove your car home and parked it very badly in your neighbors spot and spilled a gallon of whiskey in the drivers seat while she was doing it. Well of course! What else could have happened. It was the fairy Jesus that saved my poor drunk ass, cause I been prayin' an do goodin'. That story brought to you by the same geniuses that wrote the new testament. So, anyway, I was knocking back some Vic's and chillin' at the ToFu Palace or whatever the hell that place is called now, and I started discussing the idea of heaven and hell with myself (yeah I talk to myself, what of it). Now, I would love to believe in H&H. I think it would be beautiful. Hell that is. Heaven was imagined by strict do-gooders that believe in no sex before marriage and abhor the idea of illicit drugs, mild violence and strippers. So of course their fucking fantasy is a big white room with a cloud and a harp. The place they don't wanna go is dark, loud, sexy and hot! As hot as a touchy feely college professor that wants to see you after class. Alone. As dark as my soul on downers (not the band, my actual soul after I've had valium). Hell is an all-night disco on acid where there is no job to show up at the next day. And the "Seven Circles of Hell"? Just addresses. I'll live at 486 South Inferno Lane Apt 667, Circle 26, Purgatory 99606. I wanna show up in hell on a Harley made out of flaming snakes! Wearing tiny little biker sunglasses! Not me, the snakes. Then I wanna jump off my bike in a backwards double flip into a pit full of naked asian strippers. Meanwhile, back in heaven, "Is there anything here that's not painted white?". "Hey, let's not have sex and then say only good things about everyone we know and then sit on this cloud and then look at the sky and then let's not have sex some more". Hm, Everyone here is white. Hey is that Sarah Palin.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Whore Reviews Alien 3

Ok I know this film was released in 1992 but I've been really really busy since then. So here is my review. Ok, One, this film was a major boner shrinker. It was sooooo depressing! We start out with everyone that lived from the previous film dying except for Sigourney Weaver, well not actually Sigourney Weaver rather her character. The real Sigourney Weaver is chillin in Malibu. Then we find out she's got an alien inside her. But that's after she has to watch the little girl from Aliens get her chest cracked open in an autopsy to make sure she didn't have an alien inside her. Then an alien pops out of a cow (wish I was making this up), people run around and get killed and Ripley kills herself in the end. Wow, that sucks. I enjoyed planning my own suicide more than watching this film. Now that I mention it I haven't planned my suicide in a while, gotta do that later after I inventory my pill closet. And it takes place inside a prison with a bunch of creepy psychos. This film really blew! I can't think of anything that could make it more depressing. So you guys have had a lot of time to not see this film, so keep it up. Just call your great grandmother and have her tell you how horrible the great depression was, and then she can tell you about the concentration camp she was in and how she was five minutes away from being pushed into an oven. And finally she can tell you how horrible it is to have cancer and a six month life expectancy. See you don't need this film! If all else fails go online and check your bank account.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Bomb Squad

So I was driving to work today and noticed this big black fire truck. Black? Since when are fire trucks black, right? Then upon closer inspection I found that it was a "Bomb Squad" truck! Wow! There's a bomb squad? Who knew. I mean, what the fuck must they do in their free time! Fire fighters just work out and slide up and down a pole all day. Well, maybe not "up" the pole. Anyway, so yeah what does the bomb squad do all day? Surely there are a very small number of bomb threats, it's gotta be a smaller incidence rate than fires. So I have a theory, I think they're making and diffusing bombs, cuz surely you need lots of practice to get past the hysteria that must ensue when you're faced with an actual bomb. A fire is one thing but a bomb that could just explode your face at any moment must be somewhat stressful! So they probably just make bombs and then hide them in each others gym bags, then that person has to diffuse it, just to prepare, ya know. Every bomb they make gets trickier for the other person, "didn't expect that did ya" they must joke. They probably make bombs out of milk containers that go off if you drink straight out of it, probably have bombs that go off if you leave the women's room toilet seat up, bombs that spray acid in your face if you run in and out of the house too much on a really hot day, bombs that go off if you use the word "guesstimate". Stuff like that I'm sure.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Excuse me sir....

I hate people who embody all the traits of their stereotype, but none quite as much as butch-ass lesbians! I saw what I at first thought was a very unattractive teenage boy walking thru the mall. Then I realized, no, those wide hips, that blue polo, the short blonde hair and slight mustache all belong to a big fat carpet munching lesbo. Come on just fucking man up and put some heels on you stupid bitch! Nobody wants to wear heels and lipstick but you just fucking do it because it makes you look sexy and feel powerful. Lipstick equals power, ask any Mac employee for elaboration in case you're not aware of this blatantly obvious fact. I mean seriously what does this chick see in the mirror that makes her think, "ok now I look good, I can now go out into the world, behold my presentable-ness"? If she likes women that like women why is she a man! A really really ugly man at that! What lesbian wants to be with an ugly man? Now some people may say that a person should just be themselves, I say Fuck that! It's fine to be yourself unless your goal is to look like a big fuckin mess! Because if that's the case just OD and spare our eye's from the visual onslaught that it is to behold your ugly ass. She even walked like a cocky stuck-up man. That's not even attractive for a real man much less a fish wrangler. There's just no excuse for this. Nothing can justify this atrocity. It's an affront to humanity. The united nations should get involved.

Friday, August 21, 2009


Oh my god! Genius! I have the most amazing idea for an iPhone App! I'll call it VagGasm and the point of the game is to stimulate the onscreen Va-Jay-Jay until it has a violent squirting orgasm! Women will applaud the much needed exercise that men will acquire from this highly instructional video game. At the highest levels the challenge will be making multiple onscreen vagina's have multiple orgasms! Now if only the App Store would offer an adult section...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Really? Really! REALLY!?

Ok, its not that it's a grooming device for mens who-ha's it's the fact that there are arrows pointing to the private areas that really throws me! I wonder how many times has this same design mastermind has had his designs turned down?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

District 9

OMG, it was soooo good! Five out of a possible Five penises on my very own Cocksworth review scale! Great story with just enough pew pew and some outstanding special effects. I want to see it again already. It's really great when a film takes an original route and doesn't follow the standard Hollywood formula for SciFi action films (yeah Michael Bay, you're a spooge rag). I loved the idea of aliens coming to Earth and then we're the bad guys, doing experiments on them! Humans are really dicks. Thank god I'm a Cylon!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Oh Em Gee!

OMG, I'm totally a cylon! I have an inexplicable amount of physical strength, I find myself focusing far too much on the destruction of mankind and I have no discernible conscience! I'm totally a sleeper agent! YES! Now I don't have to worry about dying, when this body dies I'll be downloaded into an identical one, I'll wake up somewhere else as if nothing ever happened. Well, except I'll have to figure out how to get off that base ship and back to earth and I recall that being kind of a problem for them. And waking up covered in gelatinous goo isn't exactly hugs and puppies! Although it is a matter in which I have much experience. It's too bad they can't resurrect the clothing you were wearing along with you. Damn, I just know I'm gonna die in some of my best shoes! But I can't wait to hang with Tricia Helfer, I just know we're gonna be best friends. We can braid each others hair and talk about all the hot humans we're gonna rape and destroy. OMG I'm totally gonna slit my wrists right now! Be right back...


I have a brilliant idea for a cheese shop! I'll call it "Cheezus Christ". In the front window we'll have an enormous sculpture of Jesus on the cross. Made of cheese! I know, right! Freakin' brilliant! So Jeezy Cheesy is on the cross but instead of looking all... like... well, like Jesus on the cross, he'll look like he's really freaked out! His eyes will be saying, "holy fucking shit, I'm nailed to a goddamned cross!" We'll have tons of christian puns, we'll sell chunks of our window sculpture as "The Body of Christ". We'll have slices of cheddar in the shape of the beast of revelations, and it just wouldn't be complete without "Sacrificial Goat Cheese"! Before you know it we'll have a location in EVERY town! Well except for in the mid west. And most of the east coast. And a really big portion of the west coast. Maybe just one location. In a town with a lot of atheists.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Nehalem Mac Pro Review

Featuring 8 cores of Holy Shit! This thing is a fucking monster-ass cheese grater lookin' monolith of goddamn! Just look at that picture of it! It's got a spotlight over it (yet somehow the lighting is remarkably even) and it's siting in a dark room on top of some kind of glass lookin' shit. Just look at it! This thing has a reflection but doesn't even cast a shadow! That's how you KNOW it means business! I'm a part time photographer that rarely gets work so I need the fastest and most expensive stuff I can buy, hey we all have our demons. And speaking of demons did I mention that this thing is Hella fast? It's got sixteen virtual processors and with twelve gigs of DDR3 ram it's a media crunching fuck-you-render-times badass!