Sunday, November 22, 2009

Heaven & Hell

So as we all know I am an atheist. No surprises there, as I'm also a gay, a slut, soulless, ruthless, abhorrent (not sure what that means but I'm sure it's me), indolent, delicious, a surprisingly good negotiator and an on/off hustler. So with that said I've now lost track of what the hell I was talking about… OH! Yeah, heaven! And Hell! Being a no nonsense frugal, some would say "savvy" homosexual man, one that is tender yet virile, strong yet with a delicate manner.. OH CHRIST I'm off subject again! Anyway stupid people believe in god/satan/heaven/hell. Why else would you fill in the gaps of the unknown with such crazy ideas. It's like getting really plastered the night before then waking up at home on your floor and thinking that a fairy flew in and swooped you out of that sleazy dive bar and dropped you off at home, then flew back and drove your car home and parked it very badly in your neighbors spot and spilled a gallon of whiskey in the drivers seat while she was doing it. Well of course! What else could have happened. It was the fairy Jesus that saved my poor drunk ass, cause I been prayin' an do goodin'. That story brought to you by the same geniuses that wrote the new testament. So, anyway, I was knocking back some Vic's and chillin' at the ToFu Palace or whatever the hell that place is called now, and I started discussing the idea of heaven and hell with myself (yeah I talk to myself, what of it). Now, I would love to believe in H&H. I think it would be beautiful. Hell that is. Heaven was imagined by strict do-gooders that believe in no sex before marriage and abhor the idea of illicit drugs, mild violence and strippers. So of course their fucking fantasy is a big white room with a cloud and a harp. The place they don't wanna go is dark, loud, sexy and hot! As hot as a touchy feely college professor that wants to see you after class. Alone. As dark as my soul on downers (not the band, my actual soul after I've had valium). Hell is an all-night disco on acid where there is no job to show up at the next day. And the "Seven Circles of Hell"? Just addresses. I'll live at 486 South Inferno Lane Apt 667, Circle 26, Purgatory 99606. I wanna show up in hell on a Harley made out of flaming snakes! Wearing tiny little biker sunglasses! Not me, the snakes. Then I wanna jump off my bike in a backwards double flip into a pit full of naked asian strippers. Meanwhile, back in heaven, "Is there anything here that's not painted white?". "Hey, let's not have sex and then say only good things about everyone we know and then sit on this cloud and then look at the sky and then let's not have sex some more". Hm, Everyone here is white. Hey is that Sarah Palin.

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