Whore Reviews Alien 3

Ok I know this film was released in 1992 but I've been really really busy since then. So here is my review. Ok, One, this film was a major boner shrinker. It was sooooo depressing! We start out with everyone that lived from the previous film dying except for Sigourney Weaver, well not actually Sigourney Weaver rather her character. The real Sigourney Weaver is chillin in Malibu. Then we find out she's got an alien inside her. But that's after she has to watch the little girl from Aliens get her chest cracked open in an autopsy to make sure she didn't have an alien inside her. Then an alien pops out of a cow (wish I was making this up), people run around and get killed and Ripley kills herself in the end. Wow, that sucks. I enjoyed planning my own suicide more than watching this film. Now that I mention it I haven't planned my suicide in a while, gotta do that later after I inventory my pill closet. And it takes place inside a prison with a bunch of creepy psychos. This film really blew! I can't think of anything that could make it more depressing. So you guys have had a lot of time to not see this film, so keep it up. Just call your great grandmother and have her tell you how horrible the great depression was, and then she can tell you about the concentration camp she was in and how she was five minutes away from being pushed into an oven. And finally she can tell you how horrible it is to have cancer and a six month life expectancy. See you don't need this film! If all else fails go online and check your bank account.

Bomb Squad

So I was driving to work today and noticed this big black fire truck. Black? Since when are fire trucks black, right? Then upon closer inspection I found that it was a "Bomb Squad" truck! Wow! There's a bomb squad? Who knew. I mean, what the fuck must they do in their free time! Fire fighters just work out and slide up and down a pole all day. Well, maybe not "up" the pole. Anyway, so yeah what does the bomb squad do all day? Surely there are a very small number of bomb threats, it's gotta be a smaller incidence rate than fires. So I have a theory, I think they're making and diffusing bombs, cuz surely you need lots of practice to get past the hysteria that must ensue when you're faced with an actual bomb. A fire is one thing but a bomb that could just explode your face at any moment must be somewhat stressful! So they probably just make bombs and then hide them in each others gym bags, then that person has to diffuse it, just to prepare, ya know. Every bomb they make gets trickier for the other person, "didn't expect that did ya" they must joke. They probably make bombs out of milk containers that go off if you drink straight out of it, probably have bombs that go off if you leave the women's room toilet seat up, bombs that spray acid in your face if you run in and out of the house too much on a really hot day, bombs that go off if you use the word "guesstimate". Stuff like that I'm sure.

Excuse me sir....

I hate people who embody all the traits of their stereotype, but none quite as much as butch-ass lesbians! I saw what I at first thought was a very unattractive teenage boy walking thru the mall. Then I realized, no, those wide hips, that blue polo, the short blonde hair and slight mustache all belong to a big fat carpet munching lesbo. Come on just fucking man up and put some heels on you stupid bitch! Nobody wants to wear heels and lipstick but you just fucking do it because it makes you look sexy and feel powerful. Lipstick equals power, ask any Mac employee for elaboration in case you're not aware of this blatantly obvious fact. I mean seriously what does this chick see in the mirror that makes her think, "ok now I look good, I can now go out into the world, behold my presentable-ness"? If she likes women that like women why is she a man! A really really ugly man at that! What lesbian wants to be with an ugly man? Now some people may say that a person should just be themselves, I say Fuck that! It's fine to be yourself unless your goal is to look like a big fuckin mess! Because if that's the case just OD and spare our eye's from the visual onslaught that it is to behold your ugly ass. She even walked like a cocky stuck-up man. That's not even attractive for a real man much less a fish wrangler. There's just no excuse for this. Nothing can justify this atrocity. It's an affront to humanity. The united nations should get involved.

VagGasm!

Oh my god! Genius! I have the most amazing idea for an iPhone App! I'll call it VagGasm and the point of the game is to stimulate the onscreen Va-Jay-Jay until it has a violent squirting orgasm! Women will applaud the much needed exercise that men will acquire from this highly instructional video game. At the highest levels the challenge will be making multiple onscreen vagina's have multiple orgasms! Now if only the App Store would offer an adult section...

Really? Really! REALLY!?

Ok, its not that it's a grooming device for mens who-ha's it's the fact that there are arrows pointing to the private areas that really throws me! I wonder how many times has this same design mastermind has had his designs turned down?

District 9

OMG, it was soooo good! Five out of a possible Five penises on my very own Cocksworth review scale! Great story with just enough pew pew and some outstanding special effects. I want to see it again already. It's really great when a film takes an original route and doesn't follow the standard Hollywood formula for SciFi action films (yeah Michael Bay, you're a spooge rag). I loved the idea of aliens coming to Earth and then we're the bad guys, doing experiments on them! Humans are really dicks. Thank god I'm a Cylon!

Oh Em Gee!

OMG, I'm totally a cylon! I have an inexplicable amount of physical strength, I find myself focusing far too much on the destruction of mankind and I have no discernible conscience! I'm totally a sleeper agent! YES! Now I don't have to worry about dying, when this body dies I'll be downloaded into an identical one, I'll wake up somewhere else as if nothing ever happened. Well, except I'll have to figure out how to get off that base ship and back to earth and I recall that being kind of a problem for them. And waking up covered in gelatinous goo isn't exactly hugs and puppies! Although it is a matter in which I have much experience. It's too bad they can't resurrect the clothing you were wearing along with you. Damn, I just know I'm gonna die in some of my best shoes! But I can't wait to hang with Tricia Helfer, I just know we're gonna be best friends. We can braid each others hair and talk about all the hot humans we're gonna rape and destroy. OMG I'm totally gonna slit my wrists right now! Be right back...

CHEEZUS CHRIST!

I have a brilliant idea for a cheese shop! I'll call it "Cheezus Christ". In the front window we'll have an enormous sculpture of Jesus on the cross. Made of cheese! I know, right! Freakin' brilliant! So Jeezy Cheesy is on the cross but instead of looking all... like... well, like Jesus on the cross, he'll look like he's really freaked out! His eyes will be saying, "holy fucking shit, I'm nailed to a goddamned cross!" We'll have tons of christian puns, we'll sell chunks of our window sculpture as "The Body of Christ". We'll have slices of cheddar in the shape of the beast of revelations, and it just wouldn't be complete without "Sacrificial Goat Cheese"! Before you know it we'll have a location in EVERY town! Well except for in the mid west. And most of the east coast. And a really big portion of the west coast. Maybe just one location. In a town with a lot of atheists.

The Nehalem Mac Pro Review

Featuring 8 cores of Holy Shit! This thing is a fucking monster-ass cheese grater lookin' monolith of goddamn! Just look at that picture of it! It's got a spotlight over it (yet somehow the lighting is remarkably even) and it's siting in a dark room on top of some kind of glass lookin' shit. Just look at it! This thing has a reflection but doesn't even cast a shadow! That's how you KNOW it means business! I'm a part time photographer that rarely gets work so I need the fastest and most expensive stuff I can buy, hey we all have our demons. And speaking of demons did I mention that this thing is Hella fast? It's got sixteen virtual processors and with twelve gigs of DDR3 ram it's a media crunching fuck-you-render-times badass!

Creepy eBay auctions...

Oh a body bag, that's not unusual at all! I am always running short on body bags! Seriously, if you find yourself needing a body bag don't you think it's gonna be pretty fucking ripe by the time you get this thing delivered?

"Damn girl, no matter how hard I look I can't seem to find a pair of earrings with eyeballs on them!" "Baby girl did you check eBay?" "Oh you know what Kashandra, I ditent!"

I can't even begin to figure out what this is for, an anatomically correct baby head and torso? WTF?

Ok this has to be the weirdest thing I've ever seen! It's not that it's a nail decal of a kitty, although that's a little left of center, it's the fact that it's a "Bondage Kitty" that really freaks me out!

On Being a Sociopath...

So even though it's an enormous disadvantage I take pride in my mental disorders mainly due to the fact that so many creative people seem to have them. There are, however, downsides to being a sociopath. Things get on your nerves very easily. It can be very draining when you have a stressful job. You have to set aside enough time to break out into a monologue every time someone agitates you. And if you're like me that's a LOT of time. I queen out maybe 60 to 70 times a day. But above all else you know what REALLY gets on my nerves? Everything. Traffic, loud people, people that talk so low I can't hear them, people doing cartwheels, loud sinks, databases, puppets that don't obey the laws of physics properly, precipices, analogies, race cars, the south, magnetism, talking dogs, flutes (they're so pretentious), laser tag, wallpaper, percentages, wobbly headed babies (can't they just hold their fucking heads up!), prince, shape shifters, Michaelangelo (the teenage mutant ninja turtle not the artist), desktop pictures of outdoor scenes, unicycles (nobody fucking wants to ride one of those!), the number eleven, decepticons, question marks, prizes, mammograms, waiting, the starship Reliant, bangers and mash, the french, check marks, Glen Close, radio waves, elephant man (god just kill yourself already!), the year 1987, and Wonder Woman just to name a few. So my point is that sociopaths have to work three times as hard to do the same job as everyone else! So we should, like, get longer breaks or something.

Definitions of Common Idioms

Carpet Bomb- To plunge ones face into a vagina.

Whole Nine Yards- To have a Fifty Fourgy, to have sex with fifty four men at six inches each is to take the "whole nine yards" of penis.

To Each his Own- To pleasure oneself without external intervention, to master the art of self fellacio.

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush- Masturbating is as good as having two penises in your vagina.

Leave well enough alone- Don't have sex with a guy that is merely "ok" looking.

Fall by the Wayside- To fall along ones fattest edge.

Guys Lies

Have you ever noticed that when you lie it tends to be about the smallest stupidest stuff and it's usually to your girlfriend or boyfriend? No honey, I can't do that thing with your family, I have to um, my car, the uh trans-carborator needs to be realigned. Yeah the engine's liable to just fucking blow up in my face if it's not fixed. Oh no you can't pick me up... Cuz uh.. you know, cuz I have to stay with it overnight because you know those car mechanics they're always trying to rob you when you're not looking. Yeah this place is open 24 hours a day, isn't that cool! Because you never know when your car's gonna break down, ya know. Oh no you shouldn't go there though, they uh, it's a uh, they're Middle Eastern and they don't like when woman don't have Burkas on. Well you know some of those Islamic extremists! And as a man I can attest to the fact that we're terrible at it! Do we need more training or should we just stop lying already? I vote for training. First of all don't just jump right into that lie, you gotta buy yourself some time. A friend of mine had a good strategy for this. He would bring his bluetooth headset in on the con and then pretend someone called him when he was put on the spot. Then while pretending to talk he would iron out all the loopholes in his lie. Saves you some serious bullshitting if you can think that shit through before the performance! Another great strategy is to suddenly pretend your having really bad heartburn, then mention pain in your left arm and ask he/she if that's a bad sign and maybe he/she should look it up on the internet. Or just fake a sudden onset of Tourette's syndrome and start having a bunch of nervous ticks and shout profanity. Actually no, that one is probably no good. And in conclusion there's always the option of giving them a really great complement followed by a really long kiss, or even better some oral, nobody will ever stop you from doing that, EVER. You'll have plenty of time to think it through and even plan your next lie ahead of time. Well, until your jaw gets a cramp.

Gay for Pay?

Ok this is some bullshit! I just don't believe anyone that says they are in gay porn just for the money and otherwise prefer hanging in tuna town. No way did that many guys just trip and fall dick first into the gay porn industry. I'm gay and let me tell you no power in heaven or hell could convince me to have sex with a chick, and if so it certainly wouldn't be ON CAMERA! Sorry boys I'm just not buying it. And talk about stage fright! If you don't like hot man sex how exactly do you get and maintain a hardon during filming of this ass munchin' gay orgy shit? What's keeping it up? The thought of naked girls and hope? So I call bullshit on this one. Leave the weener wrangling to the pros.

I Wanna be a VAMPIRE!

Wouldn't it just be the coolest shit since GenEva! All my dreams would come true! I would be young (well kinda) forever, not have to work and since I feed on the blood of the living I would have a good excuse for killing some bitches! Oh that would be some mad shit. My parents would be seriously pissed though, they had to get used to me sucking on one thing already I don't think they could handle the whole living on blood thing. Also being a vampire means you get to turn into a bat and shit! Or just a really bad ass looking human with some wicked fangs and a fucking drama queen cape! I could fuck a werewolf and have some hairy bitch babies, then eat em cause I'm a fuckin' VAMPIRE! I would be out all night just hitting up clubs looking for some sweet ass homos and some B negative mutha fuckas! I could spin round turn into some fog and shit and wail on a bitch. I'd dance to some emo music cause I'm a tortured ass fucking brooding pale skinned eyeliner wearing VAMPIRE! Probably listen to Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus.

OMG! These boots are amazing!

Holy Shit I have been looking for tall military boots for a gay eternity! Finally I found them! And they're made in England just like bangers and mash, Elton John and bad teeth! I am so excited I could just pee, oh think I just did a little...

So yeah, they're amazing and they go with my wardrobe of serial killer/snipper wear. When I go out people often mistake me for the security guy. I even broke up a fight once, when they started throwing limp wristed fists I just sat there and thought, "shit if I don't do something people are gonna think I'm bad at my job". Oh well, you can't win them all. And the boots only take me about forty five minutes to lace! Guess I won't be wearing these on a one night stand. Who's got time for twenty five feet of shoe laces when your trying to find your leather jock strap in the pile of clothes next to "what's his names" bed. Oh Cheezus Christ, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "don't you remember my name" which is quickly followed by me saying, "uh dude, I don't even remember your face".

The iPhone... It's just amazing, so amazing that people that don't even need fucking iPhones have them! People that are allergic to iPhones want one. I mean who the hell gets an iPhone and then doesn't plug it into a computer? EVER! More people than you can possibly imagine. Now everyone's got one, ten year olds, mice, inanimate objects, really old people that have no idea how to do anything except send forty of the same email because they're trying to attach a photo to it, which you still never get! I hate old people, they're so annoying can't they just die already. If I was captain of the world (or king, or queen or dictator, I love to dictate, I've even been told that my dictates very good) I would command all people under 18 and over fifty be vaporized (oh, when I'm queen we'll have laser guns). Although that does present a problem if the kids were killed before they turned 18. It's a work in progress, I'll make a committee or something. Back to the topic, old people should not have iPhones. I mean come on! It's not like anyone wants to talk to them anyway. What do you talk to an old person about? It's never anything you want to hear. It's about "back when I was your age" or "I'm ready to go, I hope the good lord takes me soon". That brings up yet another point, for some reason ALL old people are religious. Were there no atheists 108 years ago? But by far the group that should have the least iPhones are Armenians. Bro, my iPhone never works right, I better go to the Apple store and have them give me another one. It froze once and it only gets three days of battery life, but I'll tell them it's thirty minutes. Trust me I know. I've sat at the Genius Bar at the Glendale Galleria. Oh and another thing, I think that the Tasmanian Devil was inspired by Armenians. I mean think about it, they are both brown, hairy and the language sounds pretty much the same. Ok back to the subject, don't buy your 88 year old grandmother an iPhone. Or any phone. Just take her some hair nets and a coffee cup with a cat on it. She'll be happy as a clam.